…. Part 2

As the days continue to pass i am faced with many decisons, many thoughts that enter my mind that I cant explain. There was a court hearing this past week. I couldnt go. I told my family it was because ” I dont want to hear that kids excuses.” In reality, I dont trust myself. I am person with a big heart, and that can be a bad thing sometimes. I allow my emotions to get the best of me. To be in a court room, or any room, with the person that took my nephew from us, a child from my sister, a grandchild from my mother, how? How do I, Sanely, sit there. Watch him get comforted by his parents, hugged, kissed, FUCK THAT, I will shoot that motherfucker in his face. I would want to put my hands around his throat and watch the life get sucked out of him. make his family feel the way my family feels, I say feels, because that pain is not going away. It is still there. very much still there. eye for an eye. why not? Then again, Why? Why do I think this way? Why are my thoughts not directed towards healing, peace, love, memories of my nephew? Is that the Devil winning? The Devil in my mind? Putting these thoughts of hate and anger in my heart and in my mind. The hate in my heart is real, burns with fire and there are no signs of the fire being put to rest. Thats why i started writing. or blogging, or whatever this is called. The disappointment i feel is mis directed, the regret i feel is not nessacary, but is it? You know that i dont have a single picture of me and my nephew. WHY!? I have looked for hours. through 20 different facebook profiles, through 3 phone and 2 different memory cards. not 1 fucking picture. how sad. I hate myself. i have pictures of freight from work, pictures of painting and mountains and flowers and animals and cars and odd things i have seen here and there. and not one picture of me and my nephew. un-fucking-believable. Why didnt i make more time for him, to be with him. He came and stayed at the house a couple of times. To baby sit. all i called for was for him to baby sit. not to just come over and hang out. AAAHHHHHHHHHH!  a little to late now. fucking idiot.  I am so diappointed in myself. disgusted seems to be a better word. I took his life for granted. He was a phone call away.  he was supposed to bury me. not the other way around. You know, my sister asked if i could speak at his services, I couldnt. He was supposed to speak at my services. my fucking goodness. I sit here and cry. I cry at work, in the car, at home, i cry in shower, hoping i dont wake up my wife and kids in the morning with me sobbing.

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